My family retreat experience part 2: the Word

 

In the beginning was the Word. Such a powerful yet simple phrase.  And yet, during my experience, I was incredibly present to the duality of this, as another statement kept ringing in my thoughts:  too many words…. Our only truth is touch. That was incredibly fascinating and revealing to me, I became present to the futility, the ephemeral nature of words, as if speaking in itself was a way to create separation, rather than connection. That only through physical contact, a hug, an energetic connection to the other, do we really tell the truth to each other. Hugs cannot lie, they tell all.

The scope of this washed over me like a cold current, how we now live in a world that has not only mandated us to physically disconnect with each other, but that has conditioned what could be described as a gag reflex at the mere thought of physical proximity.  The greatest tragedy of this era is also the most disregarded, ignored, dismissed. Our vitality, our energy, our life force is intimately related to our ability to physically connect with each other.  I can actually feel the pain of this lack of touch, how I actually have difficulty connecting and trusting people that are afraid to touch.  My intellect knows better, that some people just don’t like being touched, but my inner core being wants to just run away, not to associate with people that have a fight or flight reaction to even energetic proximity….

Wow this page is much harder to write than the previous one, I actually have a latent anxiety in the middle of my chest, as if I feel I have to “watch” my words somehow. What am I afraid of right now?  I think I’m present to the challenge of putting actual words to an idea that dismisses them.  Hmm, my male conditioning also feels awkward talking about my desperate need for hugs and physical contact, that’s not very manly of me, is it? How do I even explain this? Where are the double-blind studies demonstrating the effectiveness of hugs to health and well being…  uuuggghhhhh.  So tired of hearing this. Too many damn words, too many words.  I have been observing myself, how everytime I want to open my mouth, there is some underlying need, or reason, to do so. To feel important, to be right, to be validated, to gain trust, love, approval, to avoid feeling rejected, fear, pain, doubt, etc… the list is endless.

I was lying there with my eyes closed, still into the experience, and I could hear others speaking, and it felt so incredibly futile. Why are they speaking?  Why not just hug, and hold the space?  It felt so totally empty and meaningless to fill the space with words, sounds, noise.  I actually gave a powerful hug to someone yesterday, and that lady told me it was the FIRST hug she got from a non-immediate family member since the beginning of this. I was flattered, and sad for her at the same time.

Damn I just saw that I don’t have that many words in this page…  I have to make it longer….  But why?  For you to like me more, to want to keep on reading tomorrow, to not get disapproval, to get good comments….  You see?  All these thoughts,fears and insecurities want to bring on more words, more text, more “filler”.  What if 500 words was enough for today? I’m smiling now, as I get these glimpses that its all ok, whatever I choose to do.

My task for the day, hug more, listen, talk less.

PS:  I just got goose bumps, and realized how incredibly important it was for me to hold my newborn son, skin to skin...  and to listen to his first sounds....

The weekend retreat experience, part 1

 

 

How to put into words what is unspeakable? When every word ushered takes us a step away from truly grasping the experience?  What if it’s actually only through the experience that one can begin to grasp the magnitude and simplicity of it?  What I see, is that my identity, that part of me that wants to be acknowledged, recognized, and feel significant, truly wants me to start putting it all in writing, for there is a great fear I will forget, time will go by, and things will go back to normal, and it will all fade away into distant memory. The usual little questions arise:  Should I record this instead of writing it?  Perhaps on video?  Or just audio, yeah, like a podcast.  How about writing?  DO people still read, or do they prefer to listen to stuff on the go, in their car, during their walk or exercise?  And then I laugh, now present to how insignificant these considerations are on the bigger picture, and how they are purely motivated by what I can call “inauthentic” motives. I say inauthentic not from a right/wrong perspective, but more from an unconscious-hidden/aware-choice point of view.  As humans, it is simply being alive and mortal to have needs. Some needs are more physical like food, shelter, water.  Other needs are more of the mental intellectual plane, like learning, understanding, feeling useful.  Others are of a higher plane, like the need for love, to love, to connect.  So I ask myself, WHY do I delay in doing this? Why do I hesitate between one media or another?  If I’m honest with myself, its nothing more than:  what will me look good, what will have people admire me most, what will give me most visibility  or what minimizes my risk of getting rejected.  So I smile, simply being aware of this, I pause, close my eyes, and breathe.  And I then simply open my laptop, and start typing.  Just because.

I feel the tension in my neck, having fleeting thoughts about how to get rid of it.  I now actually stopped writing, wondering to myself if this is even interesting, does it make sense, will I be able to build a long term project with this, etc….  And I smile again.  I’m amused at how many considerations constantly cloud my judgement and my ability to assess and do things.

And here I go googling “how to create a blog”, a welcome distraction from actually WRITING it J And I laugh!  My what an experience this weekend was!   Oh, and yes, I will be writing this in English.  Yeah, I know, why not French?  Because 95% of the readers will speak English, and very few French, and just the thought of having to do both languages just kills the idea for me.  Unless maybe, I write a few just in French.  Or even mix both?  Hey, its my damn blog, and I can write whatever the hell I want. I might not write swear words, but that's about it.

Yes, you are probably thinking, man, he’s supposed to write about hisexperience, I’m still waiting!!  This is it though, I am writing about my experience.  Oh, you mean an actual description of the timeline of events?  Where we were, what time, the temperature, where we were sitting, and all that?  My oh my how irrelevant that is to the actual scope of the experience itself!  Don’t get me wrong, context and environment are ABSOLUTELY decisive in having a good experience.  So don’t try this at home (I mean it).

Now I have a little twinge of anxiety creeping up.  Is this long enough for a first blog post?  Too long? Too short? How do I do this now?  I SHOULD be able to do this on my own (damn male identity thing)  People wont care, I wont do this right, and bla, bla, bla.  I laugh again, at the persistence of these defense mechanisms. But you know what?  It doesn’t matter.  Really.  I will all play out perfectly anyway. That just might be a hint to what one of the big lessons I got was. On the grand scheme of things, its all masterfully perfect.

I’m now fidgeting in my chair, feeling some pain on my left T7 rib ( see how important that makes me look?  I’m a doctor and I know my anatomy!)  So perhaps, for now, this could be considered enough for day one.  Unless its not?  I just smile.

Ok I just googled “how many words should a blog post have”, and it seems mine is a bit short, so let me fill in a few more lines here just for me to feel more secure.  Now don’t worry, plenty more to come about this, as I will share more and more about this experience, and about plenty of other stuff.  Leave your comments, ask questions, and I will be glad to respond J