Ahyuasca retreat day 1 : Memento.
I’m sitting in the circle, waiting for my turn to give my
intentions. Many thoughts are swirling
around in my head, because I’m wondering what the proper intention to set is. Should I be more conservative, not put my
hopes up to high, and then be disappointed?
Is setting the bar too high a sign of ego and arrogance, which I will
pay for during the experience? Should I
set an intention at all, considering I have no clue where this will take me, so
perhaps I should just go with the flow, in total acceptance? My turn came, and I simply said: I want to UNDERSTAND, I want to SEE the
world, life, for what it really is, I want to see the Matrix, how it all makes
sense, how everything is perfect, the essence of life. There you go, I set the grandiose intention,
a little shy I actually said it out loud, a touch of self consciousness that
others may have found me a little delusional or cocky. Nevertheless, I was calm, open and looking
forward to it. I really had no fear at
all, which surprised me; only a few years ago I would have NEVER considered
even touching a mind altering substance, I was 1000% against drugs, and highly
judgmental of people using them! I
would see it as a scar on someone’s character, just like alcohol or
cigarettes. I was always the white knight,
virtuous on his path of becoming the greatest version of myself, which clearly
did not include any form of “cheating”, meaning any outside-in, chemically
induced transient states of consciousness.
Just like when I was in University, and witnessed so many people needing
to drink, get drunk, to loosen up, open up, share, express love and joy, I
swore to myself I would NEVER need a crutch to do this. I would suffer through the shyness, the
fears, the raw emotions and rise above them, naturally, consciously.
Almost 30 years later, it is as if I have come to the
realization that my rational mind and emotions will only take me so far. I’ve done so much personal development, retreats;
read books, worked on myself, that I humbly admitted that “more” of the same
will not make a difference.
And now, here I was, sitting on a yoga mat, with pillows and
covers, waiting for my cup of ahyuasca. I
was surprised by the color, a dark, molasses-like color and texture, with a
slight sweet smell. Once we all had our
cup, we drank it like a shooter (the irony made me smile!), and to my relief,
it actually did taste like molasses, rather than some foul tasting herbal
concoction. So for the next 6 hours, he would hold the space for us to live our
experience, and guide us with music, sounds, a touch, whatever was needed along
the way. He closed all the lights except for a dim small light near the
bathroom, as the darkness sets the tone for the inner journey. The shaman then told us that later in the evening;
he would light a candle, and offer a second portion of ahyuasca, if we feel
compelled for more.
My immediate concern was that I didn’t want to throw
up. Purging seems to be a very common
phenomenon, and it happens to at least one person every time. So I really didn’t
want to be that person! Ego? Perhaps. I was hoping that all the work I had done on
myself would facilitate my own process, and not require this. So I lay down
comfortably, closed my eyes and waited.
I would feel the occasional nausea come up, but I would simply breathe,
shift my body, sometimes ever so slightly, and it would pass. It made me smile,
as it became something I could almost play with, a constant measure of my
unconscious resistance, and a reminder to just relax, breathe and go with the
flow. I was then confident that I would be okay, even really connecting with
the idea that whatever discomfort or pain I would feel is directly related to
my inability to let go and be in the moment. I was there, lying on the floor with my eyes
closed, not noticing much. I even asked myself, what if I fall asleep before
this takes effect? Is that even
possible? I had no idea what time it
was, or how much time had elapsed, but it was supposed to take 30-40 minutes for the effects to really kick
in, and so far, nothing…. I just went
with it, definitely feeling tired and sleepy, but not more.
Then came the light, the candle, indicating it was time for
the second drink. I wondered if I should. Do I authentically want another
shot? Or is this my inflated ego
thinking I’m the shit, I can handle this, and I’m too good for just one
dose? I definitely didn’t want to puke
my guts on after a second glass! I sat
for a moment, and felt it was aligned to get more. So I did.
I barely had time to lay down that the very fabric of time
and space almost instantly disappeared, and I was in this infinite void of
nothingness. This gets tricky to describe, as the very attempt at explaining
this takes us away from the actual experience.
I had no “visions”, or sensory experiences, it was truly beyond all of
that, as if I was turned inwards, having a conversation with the highest
version of myself, in a state of perfect overview of life itself. It was a cascade of insights, observations, a
mesmerizing experience, that had me laughing my head off. The absolutely fascinating feeling of not
knowing where I am, what I am imagining vs actually reality, sounds, words,
physical sensations, ideas. Now I
totally understand how Neale Donald Walsch wrote the book: Conversations with
God, I wished I had a recorder to hear everything I was saying…. Unless I wasn’t actually saying it out
loud? I had no way to know! I could observe my ego wash over the
conversation, call myself out on it, laugh out loud, and watch it recede, like
a wave, in and out, for hours and hours. “WHY would I want to record this? To get attention, significance, to look good,
to feel important! HAHAHAHA!” It was literally
like going down the proverbial rabbit hole, gaining insight after insight, so
many “aha!” moments that made me laugh hysterically. It seems I was laughing pretty much the whole
time, which gave me a scope of how many insights I actually got. It was
extremely powerful for me to truly focus on the essence of everything, and as I
was doing that, it was elusive, not there, but wait, no, not quite, oh
yes! But no…. and coming to a complete standstill, a space
of absolute nothing, connecting to what it means for things to be “empty and
meaningless”, and for the world of possibilities to be truly infinite. It then hit me, how we seem to perpetually
seek this absolute freedom, this total “beingness”, the perfect, perpetual
present moment, and we just never seem to get there. I saw the perfect duality, how attaining
absolute freedom brings with it the burden of absolute responsibility… The most powerful overview! Could it TRULY be that simple, that it’s
perfectly empty and meaningless? The
absolute simplicity of it was mind boggling, and so obvious, it was incredibly
captivating.
The most powerful moment of it all came when the crystal
clear image of the movie “memento” came to me (a must watch by the way) It’s the story of a man who lost his short
term memory during a burglary, where he woke up bloodied, with his wife dead
next to him. He spends his life seeking
the murderer, which proves an immense challenge when your short term memory is
about 30 seconds long. His entire focus,
life purpose and drive is towards finding out what happened. And then, he figures it out. But the truth being so unbearable, the
finality of it, he was confronted with the impossible question: “Now what do I do? I no longer have a purpose, a reason to live,
a life impulse to move me forward, and having no memory, I am now totally
useless.” What does he do? He CHOOSES to write down a false piece of
information, that, once he forgets he intentionally lied about it, will make
sure he NEVER finds the truth, thus keeping him in this perpetual loop of
seeking and searching. It was an
electric, enlightening moment of truth for me, an agreement I made with myself
as I began this journey into the Matrix, that I will see and experience it for
What It Truly Is, on the condition that, once it is over, I will forget, it
will fade away from my memory…. To allow
me to once again search for it, embark on the lifelong journey of finding IT,
the universal truth, the Answer to all questions, the ultimate purpose. Because once we find it, are it, be it, there
is nothing else, and the impulse of life ends. I laughed, ohhhh how I laughed
at the beauty of it all, at KNOWING that its all perfect, at every moment, the
duality in all things, the inextricable nature of it. I had an intellectual understanding that
suffering is the non-acceptance of “what is”, but I now felt it on a cellular
level.
The evening ended for almost everyone, the sat up, shared
and went to bed, but I did not, I spent the entire night on this beautiful
journey, free, open, full of joy, certainty, gratitude and presence. I woke up the next morning, admiring the
impenetrable fog that blanketed the small lake. I went outside with a blanket,
sat for hours, simply watching the morning sun rising, shining though and
slowly, slowly dissipating the fog, until the sky was sparkling blue.
Did we truly come here as energetic beings, having a
physical experience? Are we really
extensions of the universe seeking to see and understand itself? Will I ever find these answers I have been
seeking all my life? That unsolvable
paradox is what fuels life, the impulse to grow, to move forward, to evolve, and
the more we seek it, the more elusive it becomes. So we forget. And I smile.
And that was only day one J
PS: if you read this till the end, leave me a little comment, I like to know what you think, it fuels me to write more!
